I am not going to bore you with an intro about this book. Everyone and their grandmothers (literally and unfortunately) know what this E.L. James bestseller is about. Over the weekend, I decided to reread this
piece of crap novel, since I tagged this as a DNF (did not finish) last year because of how sickeningly ridiculous the whole story was. This time around, I am going to finish this. And as I go along, I will lay out every reason as to why I think Christian Grey lovers and Anastasia Steele wannabes are crazy.
– Ana labels herself a “changed woman” after that elevator makeout sesh. She feels like an evolved Pokemon.
– They listen to The Flower Duet by Delibes, from the opera Lakme. Before I even play this on Spotify, I already have a feeling that I’ve heard this song before. (UPDATE: Found it on Spotify. Nailed it. Two women singing in operatic tones, used in many sensual TV commercials.)
– Christian drops off Ana at her duplex, and she wonders how he knows her address despite her not telling him. Her exact thoughts:
…of course he knows where I live. What able, cellphone-tracking, helicopter owning, stalker wouldn’t.
Why won’t he kiss me again?
RED FLAG!!! She just awed at his stalker abilities, and then proceeds to wonder why they’re not making out. #girlbye. This Stalker with a Crush trope is disturbing.
– Christian is also “long-legged”. And graceful. He could be a ballerina.
– I’m not even going to bother pointing out the expy in this series any more. They all have Twilight counterparts.
– Elliot (Christian’s brother) makes out with Kate in front of Christian and Ana, because y’know…that’s not rude. We can already tell that these two are going to be the Beta Couple in this series. And then he says this:
Girls think this is hot? Women think this is sexy? Really? “Laters, baby” makes your panties wet?
– Christian says it, too, just a few seconds after Elliot. EW.
– Ana describes Kate as “irresistible, beautiful, sexy, funny, forward…all the things that I’m not.” Repressing and depressing. Then end that section with “Kate grabs my hand and takes me into her bedroom.”
– This is the first time Christian has brought a woman for a flight in his helicopter. (An added bonus to the Pimped-Out Car trope.) What a cliche. For real, though, it’s not impressive. Every other romance novel and movie utilize this. “This is the first time our son has brought a girl for us to meet”, “This is the first time I brought someone to my special spot”, “This is the first time I slept with someone and not have sex with them”… blah fucking blah. It’s not that special. It is overplayed.
– She signs the NDA without even reading it. What a dumbass.
– Then she blurts out:
“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?”
Who says that?
– “No, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation.” Christian is a Wii fanboy.
-Christian takes Ana to Escala, and she sees just how Bill Gates-rich he is. Fulfills Fiction 500 trope, because this gives Christian much leeway into being a “believable” stalker. He is so wealthy that he does what he wants and it’s legal.
– Ana sees the
torture chamber Christian’s playroom for the first time. He tells her he is a Dominant, and she asks, “So you’ll get your kicks by exerting your will over me.” He confirms. She asks what she’ll get out of it, and he simply says, “Me.” Wow, cocky as fuck. You may be rich, handsome, graceful, long-fingered, and long-legged, Mr. Grey, but you’re not all that. But she wants it. Whatever floats her sex boat, I guess.
– Ana needs a new catch phrase because “Oh, my!” is George Takei’s.
– Why is she not doing anything about these RED FLAGS? Is she that blinded?
“Anastasia, I’ve told you. There’s something about you. I can’t leave you alone.”
Clingy, possessive, creepy, arrogant, and stalker-like. Everything Miss Steele wants in a man, it seems. This fulfills the All Girls Want Bad Boys trope.
– I am so glad the word is spelled ‘ho’ and not ‘hoe’. Hoe is a gardening tool. Ho is short for whore. Let’s just make that clear.
– She is a virgin! Yet another cliche, and a fulfillment of the ingenue trope: a virginal woman with the purity of a child. I bet you she doesn’t even masturbate. Give me a fucking break.
– Ana admits she and Christian “hardly know each other.” If she knows this, then why is she not freaked out by his incessant stalking? Why is she even more attracted to him? Goddamn trope.
– Christian’s surprise is understandable. I share the same sentiments:
“You’re twenty-one, nearly twenty-two….And you’re seriously discussing what I want to do, when you have no experience….How have you avoided sex? Tell me, please.”
Yes, Ana. Do tell!
– So Christian wants to “rectify the situation right now”. He sounds dismissive as he tells her, “Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.” I imagine him giving her (or her hymen) an annoyed look and an exasperated sigh. He seems really offended by her virginity. And he tells her to come with him, as if she is a child who scraped her knee, and he is an irritated father who wants to slap a band-aid on it so she’ll shut up with her crying. Sexy.
– Ana agrees to let him “make love” to her, because truthfully, that’s what she is there for. She hella wanted the D.
– Christian guesses correctly that she is not on the pill, and literally removes a packet of condoms from a drawer. Ana, being an obtuse virgin, reminds him that he doesn’t let anyone sleep in his bed. He stupidly says, “Who says we’re going to sleep?” The fact that he took out condoms should’ve been a sign that they were going to fuck, so I don’t get why Ana is talking about sleeping. Seriously, I want to smack her. He is entertaining her slow wit. What did she think he is going to do with the condoms? Make balloon animals? She is the quintessential poster girl for the Sexually Oblivious Female meme.
– Ana refers to her butt as behind. Because butt sounds juvenile, buttocks is not sexy, and ass is something a frat bro would say.
– Called it. She doesn’t masturbate. EL James is really milking this ingenue trope for all its worth.
– Who has the time for this shit, in the middle of cupping a boob?
“You fit my hand perfectly, Anastasia.”
Instead of talking, how about you put that tongue to work, Mr. Grey?
– So she cums as he sucks on her nipple? You know what, she’s a virgin. Maybe her body is just highly responsive because it’s a new sensation.
– I’m sure as everyone else is reading through these two paragraphs describing the first penetration, that they are reliving their first time. I don’t remember mine, really.
– Ana needs to fucking shut up with this “Oh my”. Every time she thinks it, I am given a visual of Uncle George.
– They do missionary for probably a few seconds. Or minutes. And she orgasms. This is her first time. Somehow, I find this unbelievable. She also doesn’t bleed, and while I know bleeding doesn’t always happen, I expected this cliche to be a part of the de-virginizing of Anastasia Steele.
– Christian “has a light dusting of hair across his chest”. Nope. I’m sorry, but this is a deal breaker. Chest hair is not sexy to me. I didn’t like Christian then, I sure as hell don’t like him any more now.
– I Googled “how many times does ana say oh my” and I got this result. Get your shit together, EL James.
– He does her doggy style, and says:
“You are mine….Only mine. Don’t forget it.”
RED FLAG! Also an example of the Property of Love trope.
– He fingers her with his…long fingers (duh) and makes her taste herself. Salty and metallic. Kinda gross, but I get that some people get a kick out of that.
– He says it again:
“Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.”
– We get to see the first (of many) instance of Christian doing the Punctuated! For! Emphasis! trope. He is going to be doing this many times throughout this novel.
“You. Are. So. Sweet,” he murmurs between each thrust. “I. Want. You. So. Much.”
“You. Are. Mine. Come for me, baby,” he growls.
– Let me just nitpick here a bit:
Christian follows with two sharp thrusts, and he freezes, pouring himself into me as he finds his release.
No, he poured himself into that condom.
– Ana passes out and wakes up to find
Edward Cullen Christian playing the piano with his “long skilled fingers”, stunningly and nakedly, bathed by the warm light of a solitary lamp. Very dramatic.
– He is actually wearing PJ bottoms. All his pants seem to hang from his hips in such a way that is reminiscent of the Curves in All the Right Places trope.
– And a moment of pretense:
“That was a beautiful piece. Bach?”
“Transcription by Bach, but it’s originally an oboe concerto by Alessandro Marcello.”
Of course Christian plays classical music. Heavens forbid he plays a Nicki Minaj or a John Legend tune. That would be too mainstream.
– My bad. She did bleed. But you’re telling me that no one noticed their blood-stained crotches? If you’ve had period sex (accidental or not), you are going to smell it, feel it, and see it when you’re done. Same with first time sex. Especially first time sex. You just did something new for the first time involving your genitals. By reflex, you are going to look down there and survey the damage. But hey, I guess everyone is different.
– I shivered, and not in a good way:
“Sleep, sweet Anastasia….”
– There was no mention of cleaning up last night, so I am going to assume that Ana is walking around the room dressed in Christian’s white shirt and her bloody crotch.
– Ana listens to her iPod and dances as she makes breakfast. Are we shooting a TV commercial?
– Glad I’m not alone:
“What is it with you and food?” I blurt.
“I told you, I have issues with wasted food. Eat,” he snaps.
She cooks food but doesn’t want to eat it. Rude and wasteful. lol
– I cracked up at this:
“Christian, with all due respect.” My voice fades. I can’t ask you. I’ll get your biased, kinky-as-hell, distorted world-view regarding sex.
– Christian says that Kate is “making the beast with two back with my brother”. Who says that? Is he speaking to a child? You know what, never mind.
– He’s never had vanilla sex before. He thinks it’s something, and maybe because it’s with her. For crying out loud, we get it. You’re both doing firsts with each other.
– Christian is rubbing soap all over Ana’s body, including her armpits. And she silently thanks Kate for insisting she shave. But here’s the thing, shaving works for a few hours. Underarm hair grows really fast. If she shaved the morning prior, she should already have a centimeter grown back. Tweezing or waxing would have been better.
– And yet another:
It’s such a turn-on knowing that it’s my body making him feel this way. Ha…not your mind. My subconscious sneers.
Ana Steele – 0; Ana Steele’s Subconscious – 1. Ana is quite dull, so I wouldn’t be surprised if her body is all Christian wants. During these nine chapters, all she ever thinks about is how breathless she is around Christian, or how much she wants him to kiss her, or how delicious he looks and how she wishes he would make love to her. There is no depth to Ana Steele.
– She is lathering his dick with soap, then decides she wants to blow him. He apparently tastes salty and smooth… She forgot soapy. She also thinks “I can do this. I can fuck him with my mouth.”
– But then she starts to deepthroat him, and thinks he is her “very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.”
– She lets him come in her mouth despite his warning, and she swallows. Girl. What.
– Ana keeps saying wow to everything. Like a farm girl who just moved to the city. Hard to believe she spent four years in WSU.
– According to an Amazon review, Ana says Oh my 72 times. Fuck you, EL James. Seriously. Fuck you.
– Ana orgasms when Christian commands it. This doesn’t seem possible realistically.
– Ana is surprised by the concept of going commando, as evidence by her reaction:
He grins, leaps up off the bed, and pulls on his jeans, no underwear!
Perhaps she should be acquainted with Jon Hamm.
– Ana’s subconscious seems to be a separate sentient being. There is a disorder for this, I’m sure.
– Christian refers to his mother as “Mother”. Very formal, somewhat detached. Somehow, this alludes to Parental Neglect trope. I could be wrong. We shall see. (EDIT: She makes him kiss her cheek goodbye, but she doesn’t touch him. That screams parental neglect.)
– Taylor brings up Darfur. White Man’s Burden trope, check!
– Christian wants Ana to do research on the contract, but she tells him she doesn’t have a laptop or a computer. He says he can lend her one. Why not just BUY her one? A MacBook costs $2,000 compared to the $14,000 he spent on books.
– Ana tells him she wants to make a call, but doesn’t mention that it’s Kate she wants to talk to. He immediately accuses her of wanting to call “the photographer” and says he does not want to share. She is alarmed by this possessiveness, but dismisses it. Excuse me, but if my non-boyfriend stopped me from talking to my friends, I will have an issue about it.
– I’m really getting tired of this “stop biting your lip” business. Shut the fuck up, Christian. You’re being a dick.
– This time, they’re not riding in the black 4×4 Audi. They’re taking the R8 Spyder instead. Can’t have a billionaire sporting just one car.
– Okay, I kind of feel for her here:
“Two glasses of the Pinot Grigio,” Christian says with a voice of authority. I purse my lips, exasperated.
“What?” he snaps.
“I wanted a Diet Coke,” I whisper.
His gray eyes narrow, and he shakes his head.
Unless I invite someone to order for me, I most likely already know what I want. This reminds me of a time when my boyfriend and I went to dinner but had a fight during. I wanted creme brulee for dessert, but I wasn’t speaking to him. He orders us two cheesecakes instead. I did not eat the cheesecake, no matter how much I really like cheesecake in general (and he knew). At that time, I wanted creme brulee, and it was infuriating that I wasn’t asked first.
– Grace (Christian’s mom) has never seen Christian with a girl, so she thought he was gay. She hasn’t seen any of the fifteen subs in his past. It has been a weekend of firsts for both of them, and this makes me barf. For real, this “first time” thing is just… I’m over it. And this:
“I’ve never slept with anyone, never had sex in my bed, never flown a girl in Charlie Tango, never introduced a woman to my mother….”
– Christian nonchalantly confesses that one of her mother’s friends seduced him when he was fifteen, and he was her submissive for six years. He sees nothing wrong with that. My friends, this is Romanticized Abuse, the worst trope and the main leg of this novel. He fondly admits that he never dated anyone in college because “she was all I wanted, needed. And besides, she’d have beaten the shit out of me.” He is smiling as he is telling Ana this.
Ana is understandably shocked at this revelation. She thinks: “This man–sexually abused as an adolescent…”
Dear girl, you are going to be sexually abused, too, if you don’t open your eyes.
– He is shocked to learn that she is wearing his clean underwear, but he was amused when he learned she used his toothbrush. I cannot do this.
– Kate probes Ana for the dirty deets, but Ana is worried about the penalties for breaching the NDA. If dummy here read the NDA like she was asked to, she wouldn’t be in this position. Serves her right.
– NOW this bitch is hungry and offers to cook. She barely ate at Cuisine Sauvage, and pulled the same shit at Christian’s penthouse.
– Kate and Elliot are so beta.